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HAPPY NEW YEAR: WHY I’M GIVING UP MY SPEEDO

Dad and lawyer Grant Clark shares his quite… riveting… resolutions for 2018
Happy New Year
My wife’s New Year resolution is for me to give up my Speedo [Excellent blow for womankind, Mrs Clark – Ed]

WHOEVER INVENTED NEW YEAR was a genius. I firmly believe a life without do-overs isn’t a life worth living. If you’d ever played golf with me, you’d have known this.

I personally believe New Year’s resolutions are serious business, but a recent US study indicates only half the people who go to the effort of making resolutions think they’ll be able to achieve them. This means the other half make a resolution with absolutely no hope of ever achieving their goal. Really, they’re just wishing.

don’t aim too high

The same study found that only 12% of people actually achieve their goals. The most popular American goal each year is to lose weight, which explains the failure rate as most of them were probably sitting on the couch watching Jerry Springer and eating fried chicken at the time.

I was impressed by the 12% who managed it, until the study revealed not a single success involved losing weight, and most entailed stuff like watching every episode of Star Trek ever made in the coming year; abstaining from McDonald’s for a year in favour of Burger King; and overcoming an irrational fear of velcro. Seriously?

Please don’t tell me that’s an adhesive fabric strip…

To inspire and possibly nudge you in the right direction, I thought I’d tell you my six resolutions for 2018. Here goes.

  1. I will stop shouting ‘dope cheat!’ to anyone who overtakes me as I’m pushing my mountain bike up every hill in Tokai Forest.
  2. I will be a bigger person and stop bashing America for inflicting Donald Trump on us. After all, it has also given us microwave popcorn.
  3. I will finally (and begrudgingly) retire my red Speedo at the request of Mrs Clark, who says it makes me look like David Hasselhof. I’m not sure how that’s a problem?
  4. I will learn to plait my girls’ hair instead of doing a simple ponytail and telling them it’s a plait because they can’t see behind their own heads.
  5. I will finally change the password on my computer from password to something shorter.
  6. I will write a strongly worded letter to the Gupta brothers, appealing to their human side and asking them to pay back to South Africa the millions they borrowed from us.

INSPIRING? I thought as much. I am sure you’ll agree my list is designed to make 2018 my best year ever. To all Thislife readers: may you and your families have a happy and prosperous 2018, and finally show velcro who’s boss.

Grant Clark
Grant Clark is an attorney specialising in maritime law and a pastor at Common Ground Church, Constantiaberg, Cape Town
 
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