How did church and community worker THOBELANI MBALA overcome his tangle of substance abuse and approval seeking? What was his crisis moment? And what does he say is key to recovery from addiction? He told KATY MACDONALD
He lied, he stole, he smoked weed, and was drunk when he wrote his Matric Afrikaans final. Impressing people was his priority. But now he’s found a healthy way of living that’s impacting so many people for the good. How did he get there? Meet Cape Town’s Thobelani | Photo: Ronelle de Villiers
Thobelani (36) grew up in Mfuleni Township, Cape Town, the elder of two boys. He attended Mfuleni Primary School and Manzomthombo Senior School. He and his Danish wife Anne Kristin live in Lakeside with their two young daughters, Hannah (3) and baby Elisabeth
‘I grew up in a single-parent household and my dad was never part of my life. He had a lot of kids, some of whom I’ve met only recently. My mom did laundry for neighbours or cleaned their houses, and in return they gave her money or something to eat. As a child, I’d help her with the windows and take over when she couldn’t work because she’d been drinking. She was an alcoholic and would often lie on the couch, unable to cook our food. She didn’t know how to take care of me, but I knew she loved me.
Mom was happy when she drank. She drank anything, it all worked, and as the years went on, she bought cheaper and cheaper alcohol. When she drank in the evening, she’d sing all night or get us out of bed to chat. This made my brother Akhona and me too tired for school the next morning, so we moved back and forth from our house to relatives.
One Christmas, when I was 15, Mom disappeared and didn’t come back on Christmas Day. She had friends all over the city and it was normal for her to be away drinking, but when her absence continued, I was a bit worried that she’d died. We ran out of food and I scrambled for some, but in January I had to start high school and she still wasn’t there. Our neighbour suggested I connect with some social worker who took me and Akhona, who was seven years younger than me, to an orphanage in Blue Downs.
We stayed at the orphanage and a month later, Mom reappeared. My brother went back to live with her but I stayed on at the orphanage because it was more stable than home, I could get a school uniform and they actually wanted me to attend school, which I really enjoyed. My mom discouraged school if it was raining and kept my brother awake a lot at night, so he never finished primary school. When she was sober, Mum would come to the orphanage to see me. I never said anything to her about her drinking, I knew she was doing what she could for me.
Thobelani as a boy. ‘I didn’t say anything to Mom about her drinking, I knew she was doing what she could for me’
One of the beautiful things about the orphanage was that they took us to church on a Sunday. I really loved the church community because it was so welcoming. The pastor was a leader at an international missionary organisation called Youth with a Mission (YWAM) in Muizenberg and invited me to a holiday course there. When I got there, I discovered it was right by the ocean and I was living surrounded by white people. They were very generous, there was a great sense of community, and the food was very nice. I was like, ‘Oh man, I want to be here.’ My enthusiasm had nothing to do with faith or Jesus, which weren’t really my focus.
When Thobelani arrived at the holiday course to which his pastor had invited him, he discovered it was here at Muizenberg, right by the ocean. ‘There was a great sense of community and the food was very nice,’ he says
I did the holiday course every year for three years. The teaching focused on the things that teenagers need to know about life, but I honestly didn’t pay much attention. I heard that there was a six-month course they ran that sounded good, but you needed to be done with school. In the meantime, a supermarket near my school hired teenagers from a poor background, training them to be weekend packers who worked their way up to being till cashiers. I did the interviews and was privileged enough to be one of those who got the job.
Working there was great because I could buy myself things. But it also meant I stopped going to church because I worked Sundays, and this is when alcohol started picking up for me. I moved away from the church and mixed with friends who partied and drank. That went on for a couple of years, then I started doing weed too. I would get hangovers, but at work or during school break-time, friends and I would buy drinks and suck on breath fresheners to hide things. I was often drunk or high at work, especially after payday, and even at school. It was quite common amongst my friends, and I didn’t think it was a problem, I felt it made me fun.
I moved out of the orphanage in my last year of school, but when I went home, my drinking increased and I remember being drunk while writing my Matric Afrikaans final. Then I was arrested because I took someone’s cellphone to sell to buy drink, and I went to jail for a night. Around that time, I was crossing the street one day when I saw my pastor, whom I hadn’t seen for over a year. He looked at me and said, ‘Man, if you don’t stop what you’re doing now, you’re going to end up in jail or dead.’ He remembered that I’d always wanted to do the six-month course at YWAM, and asked if I was still keen. I wanted to be back in beautiful Muizenberg and said yes.
I don’t know how, but I passed Matric, and I think I was the only one of my friends to do so, a miracle! January 2008 came, and I went to do the YWAM course. The court case for the phone I stole was still pending but no-one at YWAM knew about it. When I needed to go to court I’d say someone at home was sick, and all kinds of things. The case kept being postponed and just two weeks before I was meant to leave on a mission trip with my YWAM group, it was finally dismissed because the guy didn’t show up. What a relief! The judge said, ‘I don’t want to see you here again.’ I agreed with her! One night in jail had been enough for me.
Above and below: YWAM Muizenberg, where Thobelani attended a six-month course after school, meeting young people from all around the world. He hid the fact that he kept having to turn up at court because he’d stolen a cell phone to buy alcohol
So, off we went on outreach to Turkey, then Mozambique. It was my first time out of Cape Town, and a beautiful experience. I found it fascinating to learn about people who were different to me. In Mozambique, I really fell in love with working in a church, seeing how they do things and help people. When we got back to Muizenberg, I did another course then joined the staff. I’ve been working on and off at YWAM ever since.
In terms of my addictions, I didn’t quit alcohol or weed when I joined YWAM. You weren’t allowed to drink or smoke on campus, but every time I finished a YWAM course, I’d smoke and drink with friends in the township, then come back to Muizenberg and be ‘Christian’ again.
the guy with money
The YWAM leaders talked to me about my excess, but I carried on like this for years, even drinking away some of the support money that my YWAM friends offered me. I justified it to myself that I had relationships back home, how was I going to look to the people? I realise now that I put a whole lot of pressure on myself to make people like me. I wanted to be the guy who turned up in the township with money for expensive booze, then would raise my hands during worship at YWAM because I thought that too would get me accepted. Sometimes I would disappear from YWAM for months. They always took me back. To this day I think it’s God’s grace as I’d have kicked myself out of there long ago!
The alcohol finally killed my mom when she was 54. I remember not feeling very much when she died. Having to find my own ways to feed the family and get my brother and myself to school had reduced our emotional connection. I went home and there was Mom lying on the bed in our small house with family members sitting around. They said they’d been waiting for me so that I could tell them the way forward, which in my culture means that they didn’t want to contribute to the funeral expenses.
I told them not to worry about finances. My YWAM friends did a collection and my mom was buried, though I also used some of their money on drinks for myself. I was basically drunk during the two weeks of prayers leading up to the funeral, and I really don’t remember much of the day.
Back and forth I went to YWAM until December 2016, a day I’ll never forget. I was sitting in a dark room in Khayelitsha with a packet of weed in my hand, so tired of the way addiction made me live my life. There was just no moving forward. While some of my friends were married with kids, I was stuck going around and around. ‘I’m done with this,’ I said to myself.
I called Sarah, a YWAM friend who was always there for me, even in my messiness. ‘I think I need to go to rehab,’ I said. She told me she’d been praying for this moment. In two days, my YWAM pastor, his wife and other friends organised a plane ticket for me to go to rehab in Pretoria, and I was off to a six-month programme. Only then did I realise that several people at YWAM knew about my double life and had been waiting for me to decide to change!
significant time
The rehab had just opened and the guy who ran it was a recovering addict who didn’t have all the understanding but did have a heart to help people. We had some sessions, then were given a ‘counsellor’ who’d just started his own rehab nine months earlier. I spent a lot of time there reading books, including the Bible. It was a very significant time, and I believe that this is where I met the Lord for the first time, and that He told me I needed to shift from looking at the people who helped me, and look instead at the God who’d brought these people to me. He told me that I needed to obey Him because while the Muizenberg people weren’t in the township, He was in the township and could see what I did behind the scenes.
The rehab programme lasted six months but I really loved it and spent another month there. I started up Bible studies and a worship evening, and somehow God would drop words in my heart to speak to the other patients that really resonated with them. Coming back to Cape Town, I knew I couldn’t go back to the way I’d been living my life. Again, YWAM received me back, and my friend Sarah took me under her wing and gave me some campus management responsibilities.
Two months later, I met a Danish woman, Anne Kristin, through mutual YWAM friends. It was love at first sight. The first thing I asked her was, ‘How long is your visa for?’ She said three years and I thought ok, there’s something I can work with! Anne Kristin said she liked me but thought we should get to know each other a little bit, so we hung out together and with friends.
‘I met a Danish woman, Anne Kristin, through mutual YWAM friends. It was love at first sight,’ says Thobelani
At Christmas, I went back to rehab for two weeks because I feared the festivities might trigger a relapse. Three months later we started dating. I loved Anne Kristin for her transparency and openness of character, and for her trust in God that enabled her to leave her country behind and come where she believed He was calling her to in South Africa.
We wanted to do things right and involved another couple who could speak into our relationship and help us, especially with the cross-cultural stuff, but also simply because we had different personalities. They really helped us in our relationship and without them we wouldn’t have been where we are.
Two weeks after we started dating, Anne Kristin’s parents arrived to visit! I was very nervous to meet them but they were people who, once they’d got to know me, accepted my past and the change in me. Before long, they’d invited me to Norway for Christmas! Anne Kristin and I weren’t sure if we’d still be together then, but we were. We travelled together to Norway for Christmas, and there I asked her parents for their blessing to marry their daughter. We went back to Norway six months later to be married, then went to the Eastern Cape for a traditional welcome.
Thobelani: ‘I was very nervous to meet Anne Kristin’s parents but they were people who, once they’d got to know me, accepted my past and the change in me. Before long, they’d invited me to Norway for Christmas!’
The bride and groom on their wedding day in Norway before they returned to South Africa for a traditional Eastern Cape wedding
Our daughter Hannah was born nearly two years later. It was challenging at the beginning as I didn’t know much about raising a kid, I’d never even learnt any nursery rhymes. But luckily Anne Kristin seemed to have an idea of what she was doing!
By then I was campus operations manager at YWAM, overseeing departments such as hospitality and teaching and maintenance, and Anne Kristin was part of the School of Biblical Studies. But soon we both felt God saying to us that it was time to ‘stretch out our tents’, a verse from Psalms, and we knew that meant to start to disengage with international missions and get more involved in our local community. I took on the job of youth pastor at our new church, Church of the Holy Spirit in Kirstenhof, and got to know youth living with many challenges in Capricorn and Westlake Village. Today, I partner with various organisations that work with these young people and, as YWAM’s outreach coordinator, I plug international missionary teams into opportunities to support them.
I’m also the community development pastor at Church of the Holy Spirit, which includes working with the homeless, offering them showers, clean clothes, and emotional and spiritual support. My third job is managing a tutoring non-profit organisation called Future Sparks, in particular supporting vulnerable children who struggle with addiction and other harmful behaviours.
I’m very busy but doing this work feels good. It’s all about journeying with people. One of the greatest joys of my work is hearing someone say they are ready to change, and watching their progress after that. Just yesterday I was dropping off someone at rehab and thinking, ‘Yesss! Now they’ll get a chance to work on themselves.’ I also love bringing different organisations to work together for greater impact. It can be a struggle, but when it does work, it’s a great victory.
Thobelani with daughter Hannah. ‘I didn’t know much about raising a kid, I’d never even learnt any nursery rhymes. But luckily Anne Kristin seemed to have an idea of what she was doing!’ he says | Photo: Ronelle de Villiers
Above and below: Thobelani also serves as the community development pastor at Cape Town’s Church of the Holy Spirit. This includes bringing homeless people to shower at the church and providing them with clean clothes and emotional and spiritual support
Thobelani addressing the congregation at Church of the Holy Spirit
Above and below: Passing it on. Thobelani manages a tutoring non-profit organisation called Future Sparks, in particular supporting children from challenged backgrounds who may be particularly vulnerable to addiction and other harmful behaviours
Thobelani also regularly works with Freeway Ministries in Cape Town, giving input about his previous substance abuse to men seeking meaning in their lives. ‘One of the greatest joys of my work is hearing someone say they are ready to change,’ he says
Coffee invigorates the process when Thobelani meets at Church of the Holy Spirit with community development worker Toby Brouwer
Playing with stationery supplies for the vulnerable children of Future Sparks, Hannah is introduced early on by her father to what loving your neighbour looks like practically
I attend group therapy every Monday. I’m the leader but I tell the guys that this is also my space as a recovering addict, which I will always be. Breaking addiction is all about learning new skills to help you cope with your emotions. Us addicts struggle to deal with these, and mostly shut them down with drugs or alcohol. Learning new skills helps us respond appropriately to situations rather than react with harmful survival mechanisms that involve addiction. Mostly, we need to step back and ask, ‘How will it affect those around me if I react this way?’
Some addicts can’t even name their emotions but therapy helps us reflect on how we feel, what makes us feel this way, and then we learn tools that help us respond appropriately. It’s important to challenge the thoughts that come into our minds, because as an addict we tell ourselves so many wrong things, such as, ‘This person will judge me.’ Then we act on those feelings by using our addictions to block them out. I always say to the guys that their best way of thinking led them to rehab, so it’s time to change it. Other coping skills I teach are things like, go for a walk, exercise, talk to someone about what you’re feeling, pray about it, read a Scripture verse, do your 12 Steps.
I haven’t had any relapses. When I’m tempted, I play the movie in my head of how it will go. If I take that drink or smoke that weed, it won’t be enough for me, I’ll carry on, and that will lead me straight back to where I was. At this point, I have so much to lose! I don’t have time, I have kids now, I’m married, I have jobs that require me to be sober, things to do!
Thobelani, Anne Kristin and Hannah at the Alcoholics Anonymous food fair. ‘I haven’t had any relapses,’ says Thobelani. ‘When I’m tempted, I play the movie in my head of how it will go. If I take that drink or smoke that weed, it won’t be enough for me, I’ll carry on’
I used to avoid social situations where people were having one or two drinks, but don’t need to avoid them anymore. However, I do avoid the heavy drinking sessions that some of my childhood friends indulge in, as anything could happen. It’s a question of positioning myself. I wouldn’t go and sit in a bar anywhere, there are other places I can be. I’ve got things going pretty well for me now.
I don’t like rules but Anne Kristin is a rule follower which really helps to keep me in check! I was always free in a way that didn’t help me so it’s great to have a partner who says, ‘Remember, this is what you committed to.’ Even with my work, I can run a bit too freely with ideas, and she reminds me of my various commitments which really helps me. She also gets to the point straightaway. This is something I never learnt growing up, but beating about the bush only made me struggle in life. In our marriage, I constantly work at speaking my mind and telling her how things make me feel.
An international marriage has its ups and downs. Even small things like table manners. Where I’m from you don’t disturb people while they’re eating, so you take the salt yourself, but in Norway you must ask for the salt! Being a couple from different race groups can sometimes be challenging. The car guard will ask my wife for money rather than me and then she will point them towards me. And when I’m pushing the stroller and my daughter Hannah is screaming, I wonder if people think I stole her! But that’s all my own insecurity. Overall, it’s not a big issue.
Since the time I encountered God in rehab to this very moment, I can’t imagine living my life without Him. He affirms me for who I am, and I no longer worry about what other people think or say about me. I know that I’m His son, and that He looks out for me. I’ve stopped feeling I must control everything, and I know I can trust God to work things out for me and the people I care about.
I’ve experienced it
Before, when I heard that God was my dad and would provide for me, it meant nothing to me as my father was never there and I had to provide for myself. But now I’ve learnt that He has my best interests in mind. This is not just something that someone says: I’ve seen it and experienced it. I believe that getting to the orphanage and the church which took me out of my situation is all due to God’s goodness and grace. Looking at my whole life, there’s no way I could have got to where I am on my own, no way.
To people looking for God, I know that preaching doesn’t always make sense, so I’d say at some point you need to pray an honest prayer and say, ‘God, this is where I’m at.’ If things don’t then work out as you’d hoped, look at someone who prays to Jesus and ask for their support.
I believe we’re here to have a relationship with God and to steward the earth, and that life is all about getting back to that. My dream for my children is to live out their passions but first and foremost, to know God and follow His will for their lives. It’s the best way.’
Above and below: Balancing the demands of three jobs with parenting two young girls can be a challenge but Thobelani’s a happy man. He says: ‘Looking at my whole life, there’s no way I could have got to where I am on my own, no way. I’d say that at some point you need to pray an honest prayer and say, “God, this is where I’m at.” I believe we’re here to have a relationship with God… It’s the best way’ | Bottom photo: Ronelle de Villiers
