THE BABY WHISPERER

‘You’re not doing anything spectacular, just getting on with the dullish routine of motherhood, but every day you know you’re changing a little person’s life,’ says Sue Gray. While giving love and comfort to vulnerable babies, she herself has experienced healing | Top photo: Nicky Lloyd, bottom photo: Ronelle de Villiers

Sue (40) was born in Mowbray and grew up in Rondebosch. She attended Westerford High School, trained as a teacher at Cape Technikon, and today works as a ‘kanga mom’, helping premature and vulnerable babies to thrive. She lives in Newlands, Cape Town

I’ve always loved babies. I was 19 months when my little brother was born and I was so smitten with him that I called him MY baby! When I was three, my father died of cancer, and when I was 14, Mom bought a house with a single-mom friend. Together, they raised eight children. Mom was an inspirational pioneer when it came to creating family beyond the bond of blood. 

Toddler Sue with 10-day-old baby brother Gregg. ‘I was so smitten that I called him MY baby!’ she says

After qualifying as a teacher, I taught in the UK, then set off in search of adventure, working as a nanny and then a missionary with a global organisation called Youth With a Mission in many different countries, from Nepal to Northern Ireland. In India, I built houses for widows and worked with lepers and children who had AIDS. In Cambodia, I worked with boys and girls who’d been rescued from sex trafficking. It was anything but easy. Eventually, at 31, I found myself feeling exhausted, anxious and depressed for the first time in my life. It was time to go home to my family.

Sue (second left) in the Himalayas with Youth With a Mission. She travelled and worked on many outreach projects with the organisation, but eventually took on one project too many and burnt out. ‘At 31, I found myself feeling exhausted and anxious for the first time in my life,’ she says

When I returned to Cape Town, I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue. I started volunteering at Mowbray Maternity Hospital. I could manage the delightful job of quietly holding and feeding newborn babies because I loved it so much. I was doing just that one day in 2014 when a nurse got a call from the neo-natal intensive care unit. A baby had been born at 28 weeks and, very sadly, her mom had died. Could I please spend some time giving her skin-to-skin contact?

overwhelming

Her little life changed the trajectory of my own. I spent the next eight weeks wearing that tiny baby next to my skin, and felt an overwhelming love for her. The feeling between us was so pure. I felt I was finally doing what I was meant to do, and realised I wanted to do it for the rest of my life. We graduated to high care, then special care, and finally she was discharged into the care of her extended family.

‘Wearing my first baby skin-to-skin, I felt I was finally doing what I was meant to do. The feeling between us was so pure,’ says Sue. The tiny baby tucked inside her top is one of a long line of vulnerable babies who have received skin-to-skin care from her | Photo: Dani Smith

Skin-to-skin care means that for hours in a day, carer and baby are attached with their skin touching. The baby is dressed only in a nappy and is held upright against the carer’s bare chest with a blanket covering them. It’s as close as a kangaroo and her joey. This has so many benefits for very small and premature babies, including reducing cortisol levels which are an indicator of stress, stabilising breathing, and boosting oxygen flow to the body. A study by the World Health Organization indicates that skin-to-skin care dramatically increases a baby’s chances of survival when started immediately after birth in conjunction with breastfeeding. It’s good for all babies, not just those who are struggling, and anyone can do skin-to-skin, including dads!

Above and below: Sue has designed a top to make things easier for mothers. She raised money on Mandela Day that enabled her to hand out 67 of them to the mothers of premature babies. ‘Skin-to-skin care has so many benefits for small babies, including reducing cortisol levels which are an indicator of stress, stabilising breathing, and boosting oxygen flow to the body,’ she says | Middle photo: Tessa Brown

As well as the premature babies I work with in hospital, there are many other vulnerable ones in Cape Town whose parents can’t safely care for them for many reasons, and choose to put them up for adoption. So I registered as a ‘kanga mom’ (temporary safe-care parent) with an adoption agency, and when they have a baby who needs placement, they contact me to look after it at my home, to give it all the mothering it needs until it’s adopted.

I’m on my tenth ‘kanga baby’ now. All my babies get skin-to-skin care at home. I tuck them into the top I designed, keeping them as close as possible as this is hugely beneficial for their development and ability to attach to the people who care for them.

beating heart

It’s the most amazing thing to have a little beating heart next to yours. You’re not doing anything spectacular, just getting on with the dullish routine of motherhood, but every day you watch a baby develop and know that you’re changing a little person’s life. It gives such purpose to your day.

On average, each baby spends six months with me although I had my previous baby for 15 months. She was extremely premature and had significant special needs. This made no difference to me. Every baby is just a person who needs my care.

Every baby spends an average of six months in Sue’s home | Photo: Sarah Lamour

It’s devastating saying goodbye to the babies when they leave me. I’ve spent weeks crying myself to sleep! But it helps to know that they’re going on to families who want and love them and, ultimately, letting them go builds my resilience and courage. I know that we’re built to do hard things. Sometimes parents stay in touch and I love that, but they have to be the ones to initiate contact.

Nowadays I also work as a doula (birth companion), supporting high-risk women who don’t have anyone to help them through labour. It’s not medical work, I work from the hips up as the mother’s cheerleader to encourage her that she can do this thing, and also provide physical and informational support.

All of my work is voluntary. I live by faith, and have done so since 2007. I believe that God placed a calling on my life to look after vulnerable children and empower moms, and so will provide for me. Which He does, miraculously! I’ve been the recipient of a great deal of generosity.

As every parent knows, it takes a village to raise a child and I have a fantastic village. I receive all sorts of free services, from medical to accounting, and products are often donated. I also share my story around the world on Instagram (@kanga.sue), and my babies and I receive the support we need. Some people donate monthly, some on a once-off basis, anything is welcome!

In addition to her skin-on-skin work, Sue volunteers at Mowbray Maternity Hospital, providing support for labouring moms as a doula, and for premature mothers and their babies. ‘I believe that God placed a calling on my life to look after vulnerable children and empower moms, and so will provide for me. Which He does, miraculously!’ she says | Photo: Sasha Westgate

My fatigue is much better now. I feel as if I’m operating at 80% of my capacity. I know my limitations, have strict boundaries and a lifestyle that’s not full of stress, and avoid toxic relationships.

There are so many highlights in my work. It’s an absolute privilege to be able to love these babies. Every day I get to do what I love doing, and not everyone can say that!

A lowlight is witnessing stillbirths, which are horrific and traumatic. There is deep grief, crying, often anger. We honour that little life, giving the baby dignity, dressing and wrapping it, then proceeding as the parents wish, either holding their baby or not seeing it at all, asking if they want to name it. I go through the feelings too, right alongside the mom and dad. I believe God helps me through this. I literally feel the comfort of His Holy Spirit, but it’s weighty.

excited

I’m trusting for a husband and my own children one day, but I believe I’ll always be called to pour out God’s love to other mothers and babies. I’m overjoyed and excited to be adopting the little boy I’ve been looking after for the past few months. I got bleak thinking about his future, discussed it with the social workers, prayed for a month, and felt God clearly saying ‘yes’.

It’s quite daunting that this is for ever and I feel the weight of that, but I have to say he’s a complete delight, a very easy and contented little baby, and despite having gone through so many health challenges and multiple surgeries, he’s full of joy. I think he’ll be someone who includes everyone and makes them feel special. My mom said she knew it would happen! I’d like to start an NPO to care for more babies or help support vulnerable moms. 

It’s a two-way thing. In giving out love to babies, Sue herself has received healing from her long battle with chronic fatigue. ‘It’s 80% better now,’ she says | Photo: Nicky Lloyd

I’ve come to the profound understanding that God loves us with the same overwhelming love that I experienced with my very first baby. Like these little babies, we don’t have to do anything to earn this love. We just have to open ourselves to it and seek Him out. I’ve no idea why there’s suffering in the world, why babies are born premature or sick, but I do believe that life is about loving God and living in a way that reflects His love to others.’

‘Tiny Dude’, the baby that Sue has started the process of adopting. ‘Despite having gone through so many health challenges and multiple surgeries, he’s full of joy,’ says Sue | Photo: Ronelle de Villiers

Sue’s mom Veronica. ‘She was an inspirational pioneer when it came to creating family beyond the bond of blood,’ says Sue

Kanga motherhood: sometimes things can get quite hectic 🙂

Sue: ‘I’ve come to the profound understanding that God loves us with the same overwhelming love that I experienced with my very first baby’ | Photo: Ronelle de Villiers