EXPRESS READ: HOW A WING MIRROR SAVED DECLAN’S LIFE

Now sure of what’s really important to him, Cape Town-based Declan Hollywood is on a journey to restoring his relationship with wife Stacey | Photo: Nicky Elliott

Declan grew up in Ireland and studied at Trinity College, Dublin and the London School of Economics, then worked for Google before becoming Chief Marketing Officer of South Africa’s Takealot and 10X Investments. He’s currently Chief Growth Officer at Engage Video Group and is married to marketing consultant Stacey. They have three children and live in Cape Town’s Camps Bay

GROWING UP, I always felt inadequate. Proving myself became a motivator in life. First, I imitated my older brother’s mannerisms to succeed socially. Then, in an Ireland where drinking from a young age was the norm, I drank to fit in with my mates.

By the time I got to university, many of the people closest to me were experimenting with drugs. I remember feeling, ‘I don’t want to miss out.’ And so started a long journey involving large quantities of alcohol and drugs. I worked very hard at university and got great results and career opportunities but my party habits started to eat away at me.

Whether it was taking magic mushrooms and losing the plot after a particularly momentous celebration at Trinity College or being called out for inappropriate behaviour the morning after an office party by my manager at Google, it’s fair to say I was in a mess. Having grown up in a Catholic family, I think I occasionally sent prayers up to God but, truthfully, I don’t think I really knew who God was or why I needed Him.

When I was hit in the face by the wing mirror of a van following a typical knees-up, I woke up in hospital and didn’t recognise myself in the mirror to which I hobbled on a broken ankle. My palate was broken and I’d lost my front teeth.

strong sense

It was hard, but I always say that wing mirror saved my life. Despite loving parents at hand gently speaking reason to me when I was sober enough to hear it, the accident gave me the strong sense that I must leave Dublin to flourish. Still working for Google, I moved to Johannesburg, but my partying continued and it was only in 2013 when I moved to Cape Town as Chief Marketing Officer of Takealot that I cut out alcohol and late nights. My feelings of inadequacy, however, didn’t go away.

I started dating a South African named Stacey whom I met through work and thought was brilliant, and the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. Within two months, she was pregnant. Stacey was terrified because she’d had a baby girl, Lana, at 18 who she’d had to leave behind with family in Zimbabwe to come to South Africa to get a degree and forge a career. This had been very traumatic.

Declan: ‘When I met Stacey, I thought she was brilliant and the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen’ | Photo: Nicky Elliott

We agreed to make it work and got married, but didn’t know each other very well and were both bringing unresolved issues into the marriage. After Aaron came Sofia: two babies under 18 months! Despite beautiful moments and great holidays, we struggled.

I kept searching for meaning and explored Jungian psychology, mindfulness and Buddhism. But in lockdown, we reached an all-time low. One day, Stacey took me for a walk and said our marriage was over. She’d reached breaking point in not feeling seen and loved by me. I was devastated. Just afterwards, a spirituality course popped up on YouTube and I decided to do it every morning for an hour. It was full of Christian principles without being Christian. Still in lockdown, we moved to a farm in Montagu to work out the split but ended up having the happiest of family times on that beautiful farm.

When we got back to Cape Town, Stacey suggested we visit a church run by Paul Maughan, a pastor we’d previously met when our sons played together at the park. The very next day, I bumped into Paul at a lunch spot near my office. We talked for an hour and our whole family ended up visiting his church. Joining in with the worship songs at the start of the gathering, I found myself crying. The overwhelming feeling I had was, ‘I’m home. It’s been you all along, Jesus!’

anger issues

We started attending the church and Paul and his wife Lee-Ann helped us do some tremendously hard work on our marriage. They led us on a journey of repentance and forgiveness. It’s not easy but what astounded me is how, bit by bit, God can fix and heal: our relationship, my sense of self-worth, my anger issues and my reliance on alcohol, drugs and even pornography, to which I’d been exposed young.

Stacey and I went on a significant spiritual journey together and it was a big moment for us when we got baptised, as was learning that the root of all marriage problems is selfishness. Realising that marriage wasn’t about getting our needs met but about becoming more like Jesus, created a paradigm shift in our relationship. Another big realisation for me was, ‘Oh, so you don’t get your worth from your wife. You’ve got to get it from Jesus because he’ll never let you down.’ This also changed our marriage dynamics hugely.

‘It was a big moment for Stacey and me when we got baptised,’ says Declan. The couple went on a significant spiritual journey together. ‘It’s not easy but what has astounded me is how, bit by bit, God can fix and heal,’ he says | Photo: Nicky Elliott

Lana came to live with us in 2022, so we’re now a family of five. The kids are thriving and I do my best to be the best dad and husband I can be, and to love the people around me. I believe God has healed issues I thought were beyond healing. I could get very angry if I felt my self-worth was in question, and still struggle with anger at times, but feel I’m more patient now because I have a sense of my values and purpose.

This isn’t a finished story, our marriage still shakes at times. But when we go back to daily prayer and Bible reading together, we’re strong.

When I was young, I bought into lies about myself that took me off track. With a false identity comes fear, guilt and shame. But with a true, God-given one there’s security and flourishing. To anyone floundering like I was, I would say, ‘There’s hope.’ Be honest with yourself and put up your hand to say, ‘God, I need you.’ He’ll respond. I think the Holy Spirit led me to South Africa and that there’s a beautiful journey out there for anyone who chooses to walk with God and become the person He created them to be.’ ♦

Declan: ‘Stacey’s daughter Lana came to live with us, so we’re now a family of five.’ (We think seven might be more accurate😊)‘The kids are thriving and I try to be the best dad and husband I can be, and to love the people around me.’ | Photos: Nicky Elliott