How did an Irishman with the unforgettable name of DECLAN HOLLYWOOD break free from a party lifestyle and feelings of inadequacy to find purpose and success in South Africa? He told KATY MACDONALD how, with work still to do, he’s walking a path to freedom
Now sure of what’s really important to him, Declan Hollywood is on a journey to restoring his relationship with wife Stacey | Photo: Nicky Elliott
Declan grew up in Ireland, the third of five children of a dentist father and artist mother. He studied at Trinity College, Dublin and the London School of Economics, then worked for Google before becoming Chief Marketing Officer of South Africa’s Takealot and 10X Investments. He’s currently Chief Growth Officer at Engage Video Group and is married to marketing consultant Stacey. They have three children aged between 9 and 19, and live in Cape Town’s Camps Bay
WHEN MY LIFE CHANGED DIRECTION
‘I GREW UP in a Catholic family with a very strong sense of the presence of God. I can remember being so excited before my first Holy Communion that I was going to get the Holy Spirit in my heart. What was it going to feel like?
But, in the moment, I didn’t feel a tangible shift. Which was a bit disappointing.
Growing up, I always felt inadequate. Proving myself became a motivator in life. First, I imitated my older brother’s mannerisms to succeed socially. Then, in an Ireland where drinking from a young age was the norm, I drank to fit in with my mates.
By the time I got to university, many of the people closest to me were experimenting with drugs. I remember feeling, ‘I don’t want to miss out.’ And so started a long journey involving large quantities of alcohol and drugs. I worked very hard at university and got great results and career opportunities but my party habits started to eat away at me.
losing the plot
After my exams at Trinity College, I had a particularly momentous celebration that culminated in taking magic mushrooms and losing the plot. It felt as if water was gushing out of every part of my body. Feeling I’d completely humiliated myself, I left and called my dad from the roadside in the middle of nowhere. He picked me up. We didn’t speak much that night but he and my mom were always in the background, a patient and gentle voice of reason to me when I was sober enough to hear it. Today, I’m so grateful for this never-ending support.
I ended up getting a distinction for my masters at London School of Economics (LSE) and a job with Google in Dublin but it was hard to kick the old patterns. The day after a Christmas party, a manager called me in and said, ‘Your behaviour was inappropriate and cannot continue.’ I couldn’t really remember how I’d behaved but knew I was struggling to get to grips with it all. It’s fair to say I was in a mess. I think I occasionally sent prayers up to God but, truthfully, I don’t think I really knew who God was or why I needed Him. I was lost.
‘Dad and Mom were always in the background, a patient and gentle voice of reason to me when I was sober enough to hear it,’ says Declan, pictured here with his mom
Graduating from LSE, I went for a lovely dinner celebration with my parents and sister at the Ritz Carlton in London, followed by the usual knees-up with friends in the pub. Crossing a road at about 2am, I stepped out then turned my head to check for traffic. Wham! I was hit in the face by the wing mirror of a van that also drove over my ankle. Waking up in hospital, I hobbled to the bathroom and didn’t recognise myself in the mirror. The palate of my mouth was broken and I’d lost my front teeth.
It was hard, but I always say that the wing mirror of a van saved my life. Some time later, walking with my dad through the streets of Dublin, I had the strong feeling that I needed to leave Dublin to flourish. While working for Google, I applied for a sales rotation and was offered Johannesburg and New York. South Africa seemed more of an adventure, so off I went. My colleagues and I clicked and my party lifestyle continued. I wanted to change but it was a struggle. Old habits die hard.
late nights
In 2013, I got the exciting opportunity to join Takealot in Cape Town as Chief Marketing Officer. Here was a clean slate and a new opportunity. The new job was extremely demanding and I decided to cut out alcohol and late nights. But the feelings of inadequacy didn’t go away.
A few months before the new job started, I’d attended a business dinner in Cape Town and met a South African woman called Stacey. I thought she was brilliant, and the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. When I moved to Cape Town, we started dating. The fact that she didn’t really drink alcohol or subscribe to the party lifestyle helped me a lot.
‘I met a South African woman called Stacey,’ says Declan. ‘I thought she was brilliant, and the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen.’ | Photo: Nicky Elliott
Within two months, Stacey was pregnant. She was terrified because she’d had a baby girl at 18 and it hadn’t worked out with her daughter’s father. Stacey had to move to South Africa to get a degree, leaving Lana with her dad and his family. This had been very traumatic but we nonetheless resolved together that having Aaron was going to be the best thing that ever happened to us. And so began our journey to build a family and a life together.
Soon we got married but it was very difficult for us both. We didn’t know each other very well and were both bringing unresolved issues into the marriage. After Aaron came Sofia: two babies under 18 months! Despite beautiful moments and great holidays, we struggled.
Young father Declan with Aaron and Sofia. ‘We got married but it was very difficult for us both,’ he says. ‘We didn’t know each other very well and were both bringing unresolved issues into the marriage’ | Photo: Nicky Elliot
I was always searching for meaning and this took different guises at different times, including exploring Jungian psychology, mindfulness and Buddhism. Stacey had had a strong faith as a child but moved away from it, but she was keen to move back towards God. We attended a church with our first baby but ended up fighting a lot after the services. We found the environment not particularly understanding about baby noise, and stopped going as a result.
Even though we were both trying our best, in my heart I wasn’t really sure that Stacey wanted the marriage. And she often didn’t feel seen and loved by me, either. We were missing each other. Then lockdown happened and her business came under pressure, so we decided to get out of Cape Town and move to Montagu. One day, she took me for a walk and said our marriage was over. I was devastated and drove to Cape Town to clear my head.
very low point
At this very low point, a spirituality course popped up on YouTube and I decided to do it every morning for an hour. It was full of Christian principles without being Christian. Still in lockdown, we moved to a farm to work out the split but ended up having the happiest of family times on that beautiful farm.
When we returned to Cape Town, we knew we had to find a church we could enjoy. We’d previously met a pastor called Paul Maughan when our sons played together at the park and, one evening, Stacey suggested we give his church a try. The very next day, I bumped into Paul at a lunch spot near my office. We talked for an hour and our whole family ended up visiting his church. Joining in with the worship songs at the start of the gathering, I found myself crying. The overwhelming feeling I had was, ‘I’m home. It’s been you all along, Jesus!’
After doing a spirituality course during lockdown, ‘We knew we needed to find a church we could enjoy,’ says Declan. He and the family went to a church whose pastor they’d met in a playground. Says Declan: ‘Joining in with the worship songs at the start of the gathering, the overwhelming feeling I had was, ‘I’m home’ | Photo: Nicky Elliot
We started attending the church and became very close to Paul and his wife Lee-Ann. They helped us do some tremendously hard work on our marriage issues and led us on a journey of repentance and forgiveness. It’s not easy! You think you’re going to heal fast once you’ve asked for forgiveness but it’s actually a very long process. I’d been exposed to a lot of pornography at school which poisoned my view of sex and women, so that also needed to be dealt with.
I honestly believe Jesus has always been the answer and that God led us to that church. I struggled to find the connection to Him in a traditional church, but now I found my heart stirring. I remember reading Mere Christianity by C S Lewis and running out of my bedroom to Stacey and saying, ‘Listen to this! How come no-one ever told us?’ In fact, I think people had told me before why Jesus had to die for us, but my heart wasn’t ready to hear it.
What astounded me is how, bit by bit, God can fix and heal. In Exodus 15:26 God reveals Himself to His people as ‘the God who heals you’, it’s part of His very essence. We thought the relationship was broken beyond hope but everything was redeemable. Stacey and I went on a significant spiritual journey together and ended up getting baptised, a big moment.
‘Stacey and I went on a significant spiritual journey together,’ says Declan. Here, their pastor Paul Maughan baptises them with the help of his wife Lee-Ann in the cold waters of Camps Bay, where the Hollywoods live
Another big moment was Paul giving me a book called The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller, which caused a paradigm shift for me. This says that the root of all problems in a marriage is selfishness. I realised that marriage isn’t about getting your needs met, but about becoming more like Jesus. This new mindset helped me tremendously.
When two people buy into this it radically changes the relationship, and our marriage was elevated as we worked hard at rooting out our selfishness. One big realisation for me was, ‘Oh, so you don’t get your worth from your wife. You’ve got to get it from Jesus because he’ll never let you down.’ This changed our marriage dynamics hugely. The weight of expectation to make me feel good about myself was no longer on Stacey’s shoulders. This is not her job!
This doesn’t mean things don’t shake at times. When they do, it’s almost always because we’re not putting Jesus at the centre of our marriage and rooting ourselves in truth. When we go back to daily prayer and Bible reading together, we’re strong.
Despite the paradigm shift in his marriage dynamics, things still ‘shake at times,’ says Declan. ‘When we go back to daily prayer and Bible reading together, we’re strong’ | Photo: Nicky Elliot
I believe God has healed issues I thought were beyond healing. I could get very angry if I felt my self-worth was in question, lash out and be mean. I still struggle with my anger at times, but I feel I’m more patient and calm now because I have a sense of my values and purpose. Pornography’s gone. Drugs are gone. Alcohol abuse is gone.
I think we’re all searching for truth and life, and I believe I’ve found that in Jesus, the church and our friends there. I’m in a “life group” of fantastic men and we meet every week with our families, have a beer and dinner together, and afterwards talk about our walk with Jesus.
powerful
I used to think, ‘If I have a relationship with Jesus and God, what are other people going to think? And will I miss out?’ Now I’m more worried if I don’t tell people about Jesus, then they are going to miss out. I want people to know that he came to give us life. I feel him at work in my life in a powerful way and just want to be led by him.
Stacey and I now have a way to work through things together. Lana came to live with us in 2022, so we’re now a family of five. The kids are thriving and I do my best to be the best dad and husband I can be, and to love the people around me.
Stacey’s daughter, Lana (right), came to live with the family in 2022. ‘The kids are thriving and I do my best to be the best dad and husband I can be, and to love the people around me,’ says Declan | Photos: Nicky Elliot
I miss my family and friends in Ireland, and at the bottom of my heart I hope it’s in my future. At the same time, South Africa gave me my marriage, career, children, an outdoor lifestyle, cultural diversity and the opportunity to excel in the business world. And it gave me back my faith in Jesus, a real connection with a living God.
To anyone floundering like I was I would say there’s hope for whatever you’re dealing with, however hopeless the situation. Because God comes close to broken-hearted people, to people who’ve realised they can’t fix something themselves. Be honest with yourself and put up your hand to say, ‘God, I need you.’ He’ll respond. And from there try to make good decisions, get things moving in the right direction and never give up!
‘To anyone floundering like I was I would say there’s hope for whatever you’re dealing with, however hopeless the situation. Because God comes close to broken-hearted people, to people who have realised they can’t fix something themselves.’ | Photos: Nicky Elliot
I bought into a whole lot of lies about myself when I was younger, and it took me off track. They damaged me and, at times, the people closest to me too. So many of us are trying to be someone we’re not. God has given each of us a unique identity and we’ve got to live in our true identity and purpose, not our false one. With a false identity comes fear, guilt and shame. But with a true one there’s security and flourishing. There’s a beautiful journey out there for anyone who chooses to walk with God and become the person He created them to be.’ ♦